Mamahood Exposed: Hearts Outside Ourselves


This beautiful poetic piece from Melissa of Mama STYLE shows exactly the pain and joy all Mamas feel, all the time.
Mama hood…if there was ever a ‘hood I wanted to be in, it was that one.  In the mama hood, with my little bebe in one arm, and his/her daddy in the other.  We tried.  We were successful.  We grew that baby from pea to pumpkin and when the clock struck 16:16 on December 21st, 2009 my little pea entered the whole and my heart shattered in a million pieces. 

An emotional explosion occurred, and through my morphine high, I tried to gather up the pieces of my heart: joy, worry, pain, pride, hesitation…everything. I tried to stuff it all back in where it was safe…to where I wouldn’t have to worry; to worry about this life…this sweet little soul who was now mine forever.  As day grew into night, and the hospital filled with dim grey light, and no one was around but our little family, I knew it wasn’t possible. My heart would never, could never, be the same.  My heart does not beat for me anymore, it beats for him. 

At times the emotions were choking, I thought I was prepared…I wasn’t.  I wanted more time, I was overwhelmed.  Regretful that our lives were now rushing on and slowing down wasn’t possible.  I wanted time to stand still…I pictured myself in a room, frozen, with little balls floating around me, the pieces of my shattered heart. I wanted so badly to capture them and make peace with every one of them.  I wanted to make sure that I was going to make this journey in the ‘hood.  I wanted relief, safety, hope…it didn’t happen. Well, not all at once.  Physically, I made it through; while my vision clouded in an emotional fog.  Slowly, while they didn’t make back into my heart, they exist along with me, surrounding me, letting me know that things will be okay.  The jagged shock of it all slowly began grounding down into softness, allowing me to breathe, to live and accept that I can, and will, do this.  My life would never be the same I can’t go back. I won’t go back. Our life, our future…now that the fog has lifted; it’s bright and sunny out there.

Like two tectonic plates, my life was shifted.  It was sudden and I had no idea, zero preparation for that emotional attack, and I know that I never, ever, want to be in that state of mind again.  But as I watch my sweet boy grow, I’m grateful for every tear that I spilled…every question I had…grateful because without it all, I wouldn’t have him.  It was my path that led to a mountain and I’m proud to be at the other side.

The quote isn't the happiest...but it's one of the truest I've read.  "Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest." (Debra Ginsberg)

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3 thoughts:

  1. to melissa: you're a fabulous mama, and your pea is blessed to be in your world. he's so amazing and bright, you can look at him and realize that it's your influence that allows and encourages him to be this way, and take so much pride in that :)
    i'm so proud of you.

  2. Wow this definitely describes the many emotions you feel when you are a new mom! Thanks for sharing!

  3. Melissa this was a very beautiful post. I love the quote because it's so true! My heart outside my heart!


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